a surrendered life

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Give careful thought to do what is honorable in everyone’s eyes. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath, because it is written: Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord. But if your enemy is hungry, feed him. If he is thirsty, give him something to drink. For in so doing you will be heaping fiery coals on his head. Do not be conquered by evil, but conquer evil with good.”

Romans 12:17–21 

One of the hardest things about loving people isn’t forgiving them when they repent.

It’s learning how to stay faithful and at peace when they don’t—especially when they refuse to take responsibility for their behavior.

When they’re not sorry.

When they apologize, but immediately explain why it wasn’t really their fault.

When they acknowledge your hurt but insist you misunderstood.

When they warn you ahead of time that they’re in a bad mood, as though that somehow excuses whatever follows.

When they place the blame on you for their hurtful words or actions.

As Christians, we know we’re called to forgive. We know we’re called to love. We know we’re called to bear with one another. But what does that actually look like when the other person refuses to take responsibility for their own behavior?

For a long time, I found myself wrestling with an uncomfortable question:

Am I expecting too much? 

If you’ve ever wondered the same thing, you’re not alone.

After all, Scripture teaches that those who do not know Christ are still enslaved to sin. Why would I expect someone without the Holy Spirit to consistently display the fruit of the Spirit?

That’s a fair question.

But I eventually realized there are two different expectations.

The first is expecting spiritual fruit from someone who has never been made spiritually alive. That expectation is probably unrealistic.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The law is not against such things.”

Galatians 5:22–23 

The second is expecting basic moral accountability.

Those are not the same thing.

People who do not know Christ are still created in God’s image. They still possess a conscience. They are still morally responsible before God. They are capable of kindness, generosity, sacrifice, and honesty. They are also fully accountable for cruelty, selfishness, deceit, and manipulation.

“So, when Gentiles, who do not by nature have the law, do what the law demands, they are a law to themselves even though they do not have the law. They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts. Their consciences confirm this. Their competing thoughts either accuse or even excuse them.”

Romans 2:14–15 

Their unbelief helps us understand why sinful behavior is so persistent.

It does not excuse it.

That realization helped me hold two truths together.

I no longer expect an unbeliever to respond to conflict the way a mature believer should. Genuine humility, repentance, confession, and reconciliation are works of God in the heart. Sometimes unbelievers demonstrate those qualities, but I cannot build my expectations around them.

At the same time, I don’t have to pretend that sinful behavior isn’t sinful.

Love doesn’t require me to call darkness light.

Forgiveness doesn’t require me to call sin harmless or deny reality.

Jesus commands us to forgive from the heart. That means surrendering our desire for revenge, refusing to nurture bitterness, and entrusting justice to God.

“Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.”

Ephesians 4:31–32 

But forgiveness is not the same as pretending nothing happened.

Nor is it the same as reconciliation.

Reconciliation requires two willing people.

Forgiveness requires only one.

Perhaps the hardest lesson for me has been recognizing that my peace cannot depend upon another person’s repentance. That realization is both painful and freeing, because it means my heart doesn’t have to rise and fall with someone else’s choices.

Would I love to hear, “I was wrong. I’m truly sorry. Will you forgive me?” without it being followed by excuses or explanations designed to shift responsibility?

Of course.

But if my peace depends on those words, then my peace is no longer resting in Christ. It’s resting in another person’s willingness to accept accountability and humble themselves.

That’s a shaky foundation.

Instead, God keeps bringing me back to a different question.

Not, “Will they finally take responsibility?”

But, “Will I honor Christ?”

That is something I can control.

I cannot control another person’s heart.

I cannot make someone see what they refuse to see.

I cannot manufacture conviction.

Only the Holy Spirit can do that.

My responsibility is much simpler, though not easier.

My responsibility is to:

• Speak the truth with gentleness.
• Forgive freely.
• Refuse bitterness.
• Set wise boundaries where necessary.
• Pray faithfully.
• Leave room for God to work.

The Apostle Paul wrote, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Notice what he didn’t say.

He didn’t promise that peace would always be possible.

Some relationships remain strained because one person refuses to repent.

Sometimes the greatest act of faith is continuing to love someone without demanding that they become someone they are not.

That doesn’t mean approving of sin.

It means entrusting them—and yourself—to the only One who can change hearts.

Maybe today you’re waiting for an apology that never comes.

Maybe you’re hoping that one conversation will finally bring understanding.

Maybe you’re exhausted from carrying both sides of the relationship.

If so, remember this:

Your responsibility is faithfulness.

Repentance belongs to them.

Transformation belongs to God.

And your peace belongs in Christ—not in another person’s response.

As I continue walking through difficult relationships, God keeps reminding me that He has not asked me to change another person’s heart. He has asked me to guard my own.

The prophet Micah asked a question every believer should ask:

“Mankind, He has told each of you what is good and what it is the LORD requires of you: to act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8 

Notice where the focus is.

Not on making someone else repent.

Not on winning the argument.

Not on convincing another person to see things our way.

God’s concern is with our obedience.

Will I act justly?

Will I love faithfulness?

Will I walk humbly with my God?

Those are questions I can answer, regardless of how anyone else responds.

Perhaps that’s why Paul wrote, “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”

Sometimes peace doesn’t depend entirely on us.

Sometimes reconciliation isn’t possible because another person refuses to acknowledge their sin.

But faithfulness is always possible.

So today, if you’re loving someone who won’t admit they’re wrong, don’t let their refusal determine your response.

Entrust them to the God who changes hearts. Entrust yourself to the God who judges justly.

Then quietly, faithfully, do what He has asked of you:

Act justly.

Love faithfulness.

Walk humbly with your God.