a surrendered life

Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood.

Isaiah 54:4 NLT

God has generously blessed me with the opportunity to serve as a volunteer in my church’s Biblical Counseling Ministry as well as in the Discipleship Ministry. As a result, I meet with a lot of different people from a variety of backgrounds – some grew up in comfortable homes with loving parents, some in foster care bouncing from home to home, some in various degrees of abusive homes and each is in different circumstances when I meet them. Yet one of the common things they say to me is this, “I know God has forgiven me but I just can’t forgive myself.” And it breaks my heart every single time. I remember what that felt like when I experienced it in my own life. I also recall the glorious freedom and relief that washed over me when I finally did forgive myself. That is what I want for the women I meet and that is I what I want for you.

First, let’s start with God’s forgiveness. If you are in Christ, you ARE FORGIVEN. Period. What does it mean to be “in Christ”? It means you have accepted Him as your Savior and made Him the Lord of your life. You have invited Him to reign over your life and you have made a commitment to follow Him. Have you done that?

If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Romans 10:9 NLT

Once you have taken that step, it might seem that everything else should just fall into place. When it doesn’t, you might feel discouraged, disappointed, or upset. But take heart, you will get there but there’s more you need to understand. Yes, Christ died for you. Yes, all of your sins are forgiven by God. He remembers them no more – as if they never happened. But when you look around, you may still see the consequences of those sins. You may still see the broken relationships, the missed opportunities, the harm that your sins caused to others and yourself. I know I did. So how do you deal with that? How do you forgive yourself?

Here are some steps that might help:

• Confess your sin to God and to another believer, someone you trust. It doesn’t have to be a church leader but it can be. It could also be your Christian friend, your small group leader, a biblical counselor, the person who makes the coffee on Sunday mornings, whoever you trust. Pray for God to show you who to tell. As you confess, acknowledge what was. Yes, you sinned. While you probably had reasons and things that influenced you, acknowledge that there was and is always another choice so leave out the excuses. Sadly, we live in a broken world so sometimes the choices we can see all appear to be terrible but we are still responsible for our behavior. Accept that it was what it was and because it is in the past, it cannot be changed. Show yourself the same compassion you would show to someone else who was telling you about their past. We are often much kinder to other people than we are to ourselves.

But if we confess our sins to Him, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.

1 John 1:9 NLT

• Forgive those who hurt you. Forgive those who influenced you to sin. Forgive everyone. Even if they aren’t sorry. Not because it was ok that they hurt you but because you deserve to be free of the hurt. As I told one young person recently, “When someone stabs you, you pull out the knife and sew up the wound. You don’t leave it there hoping they’ll feel guilty every time they see it.” Forgiveness is necessary for the wounds to heal.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:13 NLT

• Make amends to those you have hurt if that is possible. And make amends to yourself if that is possible. Often it is not possible but when it is, do it. Even if others tell you it’s unnecessary. Even if it means you take from your savings to pay back money you owe. Even if it looks weird or if it is embarrassing.

Fools mock at making amends for sin, but goodwill is found among the upright.

Proverbs 14:9 NIV

• Do not demand or expect the forgiveness of others. God has forgiven you but people may not. You can and should apologize when it’s appropriate but if someone responds negatively or refuses to forgive you, that is OK. That’s between them and God. If the person is a not a believer, they may be unwilling to forgive. Even if they’re a believer, they may not respond in a forgiving way right away. Yes, believers are required to forgive but not everyone understands that.
• Let go of “if only” thinking. This is probably the hardest thing for most people. It is so tempting to think that if you hadn’t committed this sin or that one, everything would be different. And maybe it would be. Or maybe it wouldn’t. YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN, no matter how much you think you do. It might have all turned out worse for all you know. Spend some time studying the sovereignty of God and how He is in control of all things. Studying God’s sovereignty really helped me to see that God knew every sin I would ever commit before I was ever born. And before I was ever born, He had already worked out how He would use my sin for my ultimate good and His glory. He never promised I’d be comfortable but He did promise to work it all out. This can be hard to accept if your sins have caused great harm to others or cost you the life you always wanted but everything in your past brought you to this moment right now. And if you are in Christ, this moment right now is a great place to be even if it is uncomfortable. Because you have hope! Know that His plan is much too big for any of us to really grasp. Trust that God is working in your life and the lives of everyone else, too. But His ways are not our ways. He is so much bigger than we are that we cannot expect to understand what He is doing.

Who can command things to happen without the Lord’s permission?

Lamentations 3:37 NLT

And we know that God causes everything to work together  for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.

Romans 8:28 NLT

• Learn from the past! Use your past sins as lessons to drive you to change your behavior in the future.
• Study the Word and learn from God. If you don’t have a spiritually mature, godly mentor in your life, find one! Many churches have discipleship programs to pair people with someone who can help them grow in their faith.

I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 119:11 NLT

Be patient. Some of this may take some time but when you look back six months from now or a year from now, you will see a difference.

Now, go forgive yourself and press on. You have a prize waiting.

Jesus loves you.

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

Philippians 3:13-14 NLT