The night was crisp. It was just cold enough that my thick, heavy bathrobe over flannel pajamas was warm and cozy, but not too hot. The air was clear, and the stars shone brightly in the silent darkness of the sky. I’d been sitting in that rocking chair on my front porch watching the stars for a couple of hours. My husband had gone to bed around midnight, but I wasn’t sleepy. I felt so lost. It seemed I was just going through the motions of my life, day by day, waiting out the clock. Waiting for it to just be over.
No, I wasn’t suicidal. I was just hopeless. My life just hadn’t turned out as I’d expected. I couldn’t change that. The mistakes of the past haunted me. The lost opportunities, the harm I’d done to others, broken relationships, harsh words, the person I’d become – all these things kept me up nights.
To the outside observer, everything had worked out fine. I was married to the love of my life. We had a nice home and a comfortable life. We had children and grandchildren that we loved. We had friends and an active social life. We got to travel to interesting and exciting places. I’d had a successful career and was now retired early. It all looked good – from the outside. But on the inside, I knew what I’d done to get here. I knew I was a fraud. I knew I was a sinner.
No, I didn’t use that word – yet, but I knew. We all have things in our past that we wish weren’t there, don’t we? My mind was filled with “if onlys” and “what ifs” as I looked back on the choices I’d made.
I was anxious, too. The world was becoming more and more unfamiliar. The nation was in the middle of an election cycle. Hillary Clinton was running for president against Donald Trump. I was closely following the various developments of that election, the email scandal, the information released by and about each candidate, the Wikileaks revelations. I spent hours poring over the articles, Congressional testimony, each release of information. Deeply concerned that if the wrong candidate won, my life and the lives of my fellow citizens, would be terrible, I did my best to try to predict what was going to happen. I know. Maybe this sounds silly, but back then the things of this world were all I knew to trust.
So, I sat in that rocker at 2 am on that cold October night alternately watching the stars, pondering my life, and reading the news.
And then I heard His voice. He spoke my name. “Victoria”. That’s all. Just my name. That’s all I heard. But my soul felt much more than just that. Words are inadequate to describe what I experienced. I was wide awake, but it felt like a dream. I saw eternity. I felt His presence. And I just knew. I knew Heaven was real. I knew Hell was real. I knew He was calling me to follow Him. Even before this, I was aware that I was a sinner, but like most people I reasoned that since I was a “pretty good person overall,” God would overlook my wrongdoing. In this moment, though, I understood the terrible weight of my transgressions. I understood the penalty I was due. I understood there would be judgement.
In the same way that a judge in a court of law would still send you to jail for the crimes you committed, even if you were otherwise a “good person”, I knew God would punish my sins even though I was otherwise a “good person.” I knew I was lost. I knew I needed salvation. And thanks to many loving people who had shared the Gospel with me over the previous forty years, I knew salvation was available. All I had to do was claim it. There wasn’t a conscious question. I didn’t think about it. No decision was made, at least not in the way I make other decisions. I didn’t analyze it or consider my various options.
He called my name. There was only one response possible. “Yes, Lord. I am sorry! I ask Jesus Christ to be my Lord and Savior. Please forgive me.”
Unlike some of the salvation stories I’ve heard from others, there wasn’t an immediate feeling of peace or joy. That came later, but in those first days, there was conviction. There was a feeling of enormous vulnerability. For the first time in my life, I understood what “the fear of the Lord” meant. I was completely awestruck. For the next three days, I was anxious in the best moments, terrified in the worst moments. I knew my own guilt in a way I’d never allowed myself to know it before. The realization that God had seen every wrong thing I had ever done and heard every wrong word I’d ever said left me feeling like I wanted to hide. He knew my every ugly or bitter thought. He knew all of it. I knew I deserved eternal punishment. I prayed – a lot. I slept hardly at all. My husband was concerned that I was having some kind of breakdown. He wasn’t wrong. I was. But not a mental breakdown. What my husband was witnessing was a spiritual breakdown.
At the end of those three days, I found peace in the knowledge that I was truly forgiven. What followed was an overwhelming hunger to know more about God and how to live for Him. I drove to town, to the nearest Christian bookstore an hour from my home, and bought myself a Bible. This sounds simple and straightforward, doesn’t it? But even that was difficult. I walked into that Lifeway store and was confronted with shelves and shelves of Bibles of all sizes, colors, and translations. There were Bibles for women, men, and teens. There were study Bibles and Bibles with commentary. Since I was largely ignorant of the Bible, it took me an hour and a couple of different consultations with the young salesclerk, to choose one. For an extra charge, they engraved my name on the front. I took it home and went back to the porch. But “what now?” I wondered. Where do I start? Genesis? The Gospels? The Ten Commandments? I felt like I needed to know everything, but it was impossible to know everything right way. I had to start somewhere. I solved that problem the same way we solve most problems in the 21st century. I started searching online. I found a podcast by a well-known female evangelist and started listening to her lessons. I listened and read along in my new Bible. Her style of preaching was no nonsense, straightforward, and uncompromising where sin was concerned. She repeatedly told her own story of overcoming the terrible things that had happened to her in her early life. She shared her struggles with pride and other sins. She told me that God promised forgiveness and a new life for all who confess and sincerely turned their lives over to Christ.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.“
1 John 1:9
“We have redemption in Him through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace.“
Ephesians 1:7
“As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.“
Psalm 103:12
I took careful notes in a spiral notebook. I learned. This particular preacher is considered controversial by some people. But God uses everything and everyone, doesn’t He? The Bible shows us He has a long history of using all kinds of people, including believers, non-believers and believers who have strayed from His path. The Lord used this woman preacher to teach me that there is no sin God cannot forgive. He used her to get me started reading the Bible daily. It wasn’t long before He moved me on to other teaching, but I will always be grateful to that woman preacher for getting me started on the path to Bible literacy. She was the one God used to teach me about what salvation through faith in Jesus Christ means. He used her to show me that nobody is too lost or too broken to be restored to fellowship with the Father. And God used her to teach me to stop feeling sorry for myself – a lesson I needed before I was going to be much good for any kind of service to the Lord.
I now know I am a precious child of God. That is where my value lies. God taught me that I am His.
“Now this is what the LORD says — the One who created you, Jacob, and the One who formed you, Israel — ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine.’”
Isaiah 43:1
a surrendered life 